Wonder wonder how did I end up Sleepless on such a tiring day. Staring into this blank screen and wondering and keep on wondering about the next thing I should do. Seems like this is the only place I can blog down my troubles and worries. I just can't sort it out, is there any other alternatives? An alternative world that things can just go my way. I am not greedy, to want to do great things. I just feel I have the capability to take things in my stride and try to excel in them. I am not a quitter, but why suddenly in a year I have slowly turned into 1, I feel like I have lost my direction in life all over again.
I love this sport, and I cherish every single moment I have playing it. It might not be the only sport I love to play, but it is one that will hold a very special place in my heart. From a nobody who just loves to play, to someone who made memories playing in army, to a player in IVP level. It might be just a fleeting few years, but I lived it and breathe the air surrounding it. It has always been my dream to lead a team out onto the pitch, it is not the honour and fame, but the chance to bring the team up one more level. Well I lost that chance, just like everything that has happen this year. Bad things just keep coming in my way, injuries decision form all don't come my way.
Again it comes down to the next step, Should i stay or should i go, staying back and what can i give. Can i respect the person who is going to be the next leader, the position that i want to be. Is there any contribution i can give? Confused and moving on, maybe i should just let the matter die off
It only takes one moment for me to realize everything. Hopes, expectations all disappear within a single second. I just didn't felt it was right, to take away the chance I have fought for, the chance that i have sacrifice so many precious moments that I could have. This time around I been backstabbed, by the very people i thought again that were my friends, my teammates, people that I am willing to give my everything for. I trusted and respected them, I feel bad when I don't perform, but have they and will they ever understand how hard is it really for me to play a role that I don't enjoy. It is not a very glamourous role, but one filled with pain and hardship. I don't remember having my thumb sprain so badly that i couldn't hold a pen properly, or a wrist so twisted that I have sleepless nights over.
Have I always been just a substitude, a person who can be so easily replaced? Am I even valued in the team, because I believed the decision I have made is the right one. The one to really quit the team, because if I am viewed as a burden, then might as well I get rid of myself. There is no point in continuing in something I do not enjoy and something that I Have never been valued at. It is maybe time to give up on everything I have commited to this place I lived in and in search for a newer pastures.
Who will understand my plight? Who will undertand my pain. I might be a BIG person with a big heart, but there is only so much I can take. I am not someone who deserve all this, the world can be unfair to me but I will not be unfair to myself.
I see the need to stand up again, the need to show the world what I am really made off. I am no useless, leadershipless, worthless guy. I wish to stand tall and tell the world THIS IS ME, the one who is going to prove you guys that you are so wrong. To deprive someone of his drive, to rob him of his passion after all he sacrificed, unforgivable.
Sometimes this few days, I felt like I really had no friends in hall. No true friends, yet time shows everything. There are those that really care and understand how I feel, and also I have my Buka to be there supporting me. I might still feel bit pessimistic now, because I really still feel I will do a better job. It always seem that the thing is right up in my eyes, yet I somehow failed to grab it. The chance to go to OCS when I was in BMT, all because of a back stab. Now it is re-enacting all over again, is it just my fate to remain a somebody, a bit part role and just a very efficient worker?
I wish I could just have one chance, because I really want it. It is just like the song rapped by Eminem, because life is only about one chance and one opportunity. Yet again, I reach but i came short. I am unsatisfied, I need one last shot at whatever comes down my way. I have this evil feeling within me now, I want revenge in the best possible way, I want to take away his future, to give him something that he will remember me. To remember that I was once his victim, now he will feel my wrath.
Maybe I just don't feel that good now, maybe i might have a second opinion tomorrow. But the fact remains, I might be Mr. Nice guy, but I always end up on the losing side. The life of a hostelite just seem so different, it is just like life out there.
I take a step, a step forth only to find that I have failed Though very much a risk, very much a half chance, you went with all It really matters and it really hurts that it ended like that However back to where I belong, maybe life isn't that bad after all.
I feel like I have lost everything, moments of anguish just overcame my sanity yet there is nothing I could do. I wanted to challenge myself so badly yet I have lost touch with the one most precious to me. Have I asked for too much? Am I too greedy? Should I have just stuck with doing what I should have done in the past? I really don't know now. Mind is in a loss, thinking and stumbling and every junction of action. The feeling of an ultimate backstab really hurts, maybe I should just leave this place once and for all, and I guess afterall maybe I have no place of belonging. Time to just sit down and think through it again, to walk this path ahead filled more uncertainties. I might be lonely again, and I really don't want that to happen, but I think i lost everything already.
There is just too much unknowns, too much a mystery in this path I seek to walk. Though one might comment that it is the way of life, somehow I still prefer a path whereby the surprises are invisible. I do not love adrenaline, neither do I like frights, lastly I hate it when things don't turn out the way it is meant to be. I took on a challenge, it is not only a personal one, but also one for my hall. It might be true i lack the credentials, however everyone that took a brave step like me should deserve a chance. But the question now is, did I messed up my chance or did I embrace it with both hands. The mind of a extremely insecure person at times really makes me emotional, makes me feel so inconfident of myself. I lack an assurance, well there are my friends in there but I can't just walk up to them and ask right, the need to be impartial.
Well it is not always about the challenge, my physical self is getting weaker as my mental self has taken a backward step. Quarrels are so not my cup of tea, yet when I am faced with a moral situation I really don't know what to do. To inform or not to inform is always a issue whereby either way the end result is the same, except for the severity. Maybe it all could have been prevent? Really? I doubt so given me being me. A fever just came and go, feeling bit better now but not exactly the most healthy of terms, maybe I do need a break, a little more support and a little more encouragement.
I hope that dreams are my reality, for I seek to soar to the highest, because I dare. Let me hope that this courage will just carry me through this journey of utmost fulfillment.